MOO 8: Plots and BoySnogging
by Amanita Jackson
Summary: Month O' Oneshots 8! More random drivel. Please read. It should be funny, I hope...........


A/N: Another Random Quickie. These take sooo much less effort, but people love them far more than the ones that I actually put effort into.

MOO: #8

Dedication: To everyone who reads this idiocy. I love you. Really. I will love you even more if you review.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, and the line about disaster and stuff is modified from Shakespeare in Love, which I am watching right now.

Warning: Slash, slash, and more slash.

* * *

Voldemort sat in his fluffy purple chair, pondering.

"Lucius," said He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, "I am pondering."

"So I saw, my lord, it was in the narrative," replied Lucius. Twenty minutes later, the Dark Lord spoke again, munching on an Oreo. He spoke thusly:

"Lucius, I have been pondering and I have come up with what has been bothering me. Potter. It all boils down to Potter. He got in the way of my offing Lily so I could have James all to myself, causing me much wrinkling and disembodied inconvenience. With James out of the picture, I concentrated on Sirius. The little brat has stolen him. So I turn to my old flame Dumbledore, only to find that the titchy little git has stolen him too!"

"Are you pondering what I'm pondering, my lord?" asked Lucius suddenly, his eyes a-twinkle with evil evilness. He snuck an Oreo from the box next to the purple chair.

"Yes, I think so, minion scum, but how are we going to get enough chocolate into space?"

"My lord, I have a cunning plan," Lucius continued, ignoring Tom Riddle II's comment. "I have a daught--wait, no, I have a rather effeminate son. We use him to get to Potter. Dumbledore sees he is jilted and comes crawling back to you."

"But how do we know your daugh-son can seduce Potter so easily? The boy is incredibly stupid and naïve! He wouldn't know UST if it slapped him in the face and pelted him with P.A.R.A.C.H.U.T.I.N.G. B.A.N.A.N.A.S.!" exclaimed the Dark Lord in exasperation.

"Well sir, you see, the natural state of teenage relationships is one of insurmountable obstacles on the road to imminent disaster and/or shagging," explained Lucius.

"How do they manage to get through school, jobs, sleeping, and their social lives?" asked Voldemort incredulously. "What do they _do_?"

"Nothing. Strangely enough, it all seems to turn out well. Most of them opt to cut out sleep."

"How?"

Lucius shrugged. "I don't know. It's a mystery."

--

(Mission Impossible theme song plays)

"Draco, you are going to seduce Harry Potter," Lucius informed his son. "This is a very important mission from the Dark Lord himself."

"I thought I was supposed to kill Dumbledore…?" Draco reminded his father.

Lucius waved his hand in an effeminate manner. Draco wondered why his father wondered where Draco got his effeminateness from. "Yes, well, Albus ended up returning Voldie's call. Your _new_ mission is to seduce the Boy Who Whines."

Draco looked confused. And pretty. "But I thought I was supposed to seduce Potter, not--"

"No, no, seduce Potter. Shut up and go away, I need my beauty sleep. Here, have a cookie, dear son. Now be a dear and go make daddy another Nutella sandwitch."

----

"Potter."

"Malfoy," answered Potter.

"You are looking sexy today," purred Draco, turning on the charm.

"Oh yeah? Well, you're a Death Eater's son, you inbred Slytherin!" Harry growled, taking out his wand. (The wooden one. The one he bought in the shop in the first book. That one.)

Draco blinked. Voldemort had been right. Harry didn't even see the innuendo so glaring the author had to put a note in to clarify the lack of euphemism.

"Potter…? I'm hitting on you…" Draco said loudly and slowly, as if talking to a foreigner.

Like a foreigner, Harry was not able to understand what Draco was saying even if shouted at loudly and clearly. However, Draco did not realise this.

"I knew you were up to no good! Hitting me, eh? Well, I won't let you! I'm telling!" Harry glared at Draco, then broke into a run. "PROFESSOR DUMBLEDOOOOOORE! DRACO IS TRYING TO HIT MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Harry! _Harry, I think you're pretty, I am not trying to hit you!_" shouted Draco as he raced after Harry.

Snape caught them both and shoved them into a closet.

"I have the strangest feeling that this has happened before," muttered Draco. He grabbed the boy next to him and there was a hot boysnogging scene.

Someone opened the closet door.

"Draco? What are you doing to Seamus, you horrible Death Eater In Training?" demanded Harry.

Draco looked at the young man in his ….arms. Yes, in his arms.

"Oh. Sorry Finnegan. Tomorrow night, 'kay?" Seamus, lips swollen, nodded dazedly.

"Yes, please," he said, giggling. He waved to Draco as Draco chased off after Harry again.

Snape, walking briskly behind them, shoved them up into the Astronomy Tower.

"I have the strangest feeling that this has happened before," muttered Draco. He grabbed the boy next to him and there was another hot boysnogging scene.

Someone opened the trapdoor.

"Draco? What are you doing to Ron, you mean inbred?" demanded Harry.

Draco looked at the young man panting in his…lap, yes, in his lap.

"Oh. Sorry Weasley. Night after tomorrow, 'kay?" Ron, lips swollen, …face flushed, nodded dazedly.

"Yes, please," he said, giggling. He waved to Draco as Draco chased off after Harry again.

Snape shoved the two down the stairs. "WHY are they constantly getting in my way?" he growled.

The same thing happened with Draco and Blaise, Theodore, Dean, Neville, Fred, George, Oliver, Percy, Cedric, Flint, Justin, Colin, Bill, Charlie, Ernie, Greg, Vince, Viktor…

Finally, Draco got a hold of Harry.

"But I'm not gay!" exclaimed Harry, wriggling around.

"Who do you think is prettier, Blaise or Ginny?" asked Draco.

"Blaise," answered Harry immediately. "But--"

"Would you rather be kissing Ron or Fleur?"

"Ron," said Harry quickly. "But it--"

"And who would you rather sleep with, me or anyone else?"

"You, but--"

And all was well that ended well.


End file.
